And lately, I've been thinking alot about you.
Alex will be 7 in September. He's really smart, but extremely hard to figure out. I wonder if you had the same problem with us?
But that's not the reason you've been on my mind, it's more than just sharing what's going on with us. A friend of mine at work is now going through a similar test with her mom, that you and I went through.
Her mom was diagnosed with Stage IV non-small cell lung cancer. It's throughout her body, just like it was yours. It's in her rib, where yours was in your back and rib, and it's just as painful. They are looking for signs of it moving to her brain, like it did in you.
I remember when that happened, too. Right after your 60th birthday, and we had come out to celebrate. Grandmother stayed behind for a bit, and you lost the ability to get the words from your head to your mouth. You, who had always been the verbose one in the bunch, couldn't say anything. The cancer had invaded your sacred place... your mind.
That was the beginning of the end, but we didn't it know it then.
My friend's mom has started chemo treatments, and is doing her best to stay positive. I try to share my experiences with my friend, in hopes that some of the things I regretted after you passed, are not her regrets.
Although we talked at Xmas before you died, and shared some of our thoughts and feelings... I feel like I spent most of my time trying to be strong for you... when maybe, what you needed, was to see how much I was going to miss you. I didn't want to do that, for fear of the effect it might have on you... like when I told Grandmother Watson I wish she would do the chemo again so she could be around to see me get married. She did the chemo, when she truly didn't want to, and she died. I didn't want to put any undue pressure on you... but in doing so, I didn't share my most intimate thoughts about how you had influenced me, how much I loved you, and how much I would miss you when you were gone.
I regretted not getting Doug home to see you in time... when you could talk and share. We had Xmas, but I told Doug, 'don't worry, I'll make sure you're back in time," and I failed. He's forgiven me, I just can't forgive myself.
And then the thought, did I do enough? Did I give you the comfort you needed? Did you feel me holding your hand that whole last 24 hours? Could you tell when I put the teddy bear there, when I needed to attend to nature's call?
If my experiences can help any of my friends with this life lesson they're going through, I want to be there for them... when we share, we hopefully lessen the burden that they might have to carry.
My release, reminder, remembrance and honoring of your life culminates in my Lung Run Walk/Run. This year, I'm adding more names to my shirt... I hope there comes a year where I don't add any.
I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. I just wanted to share my thoughts. I just wanted people to know how much you mean to me, and why I do this... and why I feel honored to wear those people's names on my shirt... and why I am so willing and honored to talk with my friends who are going and have gone through... the loss of a parent.
I miss you every day. I love you.
Annie Bananie
